I  am Jessica Nicole

My Story

When you sit for days thinking about where to start, my advice would be to just start. Because in my case, those days turned into years. Let me just start with, having the option of living any type of “normal” life was never given to me. Survival mode was the only mode that I knew. Living in small towns made me who I am today. Now knowing that my own grandmother knew what was happening and turned her head and went back to sleep, it’s heart breaking. She was always angry and agitated with me and I mean now I understand why! I tried to keep her happy, I needed her to want us! But, the REAL goal was to take off from the tiny town! I had a plan, never look back. At that point, I had no idea what it meant to be coached or groomed. By the time I was fourteen, he had stopped coming into my room but the damage was done. I thought that I still needed them, grooming is very real! Swear I wasn’t sure what to do and honestly the only person that I knew could help me was my mother.

So, when I took off and moved from that little town, my life officially began. I was no longer that “pageant girl”, the “Roger’s kid” or “one of them kids from the “deadly car wreck”, I was finally someone that no-one knew. If they only knew the whole story! As a woman, looking back; I’m disgusted. Every fucking person that could have helped, turned their head to the abuse. I knew what was happening to me was wrong, I honestly didn’t know how to tell someone! I thought being uncomfortable was just part of life. Until I didn’t think that anymore!  A good portion of my childhood we were shuffled from one abusive environment to another, all I knew was survival mode. Sexual abuse involving small children was basically a damn norm where I am from! When my lil bff told me about her stepdad in middle school, it tore my little soul apart that I could only console her and not confide in her. I couldn't tell her, if she was to tell my secret, I just knew we would be sent to a foster home.                

My mom had a rough life, the same tiny town almost took her down. She was young and abused, she had never faced her trauma and that is where I can now relate.  The same person that was supposed to have her back and protect her, was also supposed to have mine and see how that turned out. My grandmother was vicious, controlling, strict, angry and just fucking evil! She made it very clear that my siblings and I were a burden. Being told weekly that no one else wanted us and that if we didn’t live with her, we would be placed in foster homes. This was her way of controlling me, knowing that I would do anything to protect them!

Its been 20 years, I moved in 2003 and it has been 10 years since I have had any type of relationship with my grandmother. I am still in therapy as of today, It was important to recognize that healing from childhood abuse and managing PTSD is going to be a ongoing process. Then having to except the fact that the PTSD resulting from childhood abuse has literally affected my mental and emotional well-being, at this point I am damn near 40 and it has been decades after the abuse occurred.